And Then

Lucky in life

As I was getting ready for bed, I stopped to think how lucky in life I was.

I was born into a loving family, allowed to make my own mistakes, but secure in the knowledge that help was there when I really needed it. I never had any major physical or emotional problems. I was shy around people at first, but got over it. I was popular and my companionship was always sought after.

I had my own interests and was never made to feel ashamed for wanting what I want, for not wanting to be a clone of my parents. Life was always good, and I was certain it was only going to get better.

As my head hit the pillow I knew I wasn’t going to be alone there for long. My hubby would soon be with me; the man who made my life worth living. Few people are in love the way we were; more so than most people would believe possible.

From the day I met him we just wanted to be together. He was pursuing me for a year; the gentleman he was, he didn’t try to become sexual until we had been together that long. When we finally made love, it was more fantastic than anything I could have possibly imagined.

I knew others who shared my same interests, but he and I were such a perfect match for each other that it’s hard to believe. Just about anything he wanted for us I wanted too. Often we did things without discussing them in advance; we just did what we did, and no compromise was ever necessary because we were so well matched.

Our wedding day was the most glorious day ever. He was mine, but deep down inside, I knew it was more important that I was his.

We built a life with each other. Yes, we had difficulties, but isn’t everyone’s life like that? The important thing is that we faced life’s challenges together. As the years passed, we just became closer. We had our own kind of personal entertainment; and no one was better at it than he. Thanks to my husband, my life was very satisfying most of the time. Our being together was inevitable.

And then…

And then I woke up.

I was alone in my bed, in my apartment that I shared with no one. I had been dreaming; and everything I dreamed about (written above) was untrue. My parents were abusive, working against me and anything I ever really wanted. I had crippling syndromes from birth that meant I never had a chance for a normal life. I was always the unwelcome one; socially awkward and generally the one that people would want to go away.

I did meet the man I consider my soulmate; it was love at first sight, and our interests were a perfect match, but I had no idea how to maintain a relationship. I didn’t take care of his needs, mostly because I never had what it took in the first place. He dumped me and eventually married someone else.

“Let go and move on” everybody said, but I found I could no more let go of him then I could sprout wings and fly. I’ve been in and out of therapy more times than I can count, but as the years have rolled on I only loved him more and more. Now hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about him.

I like to think there’s a solution to every problem, but this time I’m out of tricks. Anything I ever tried has only made things worse. Now there’s nothing left I can do.

Except go back to sleep tonight and try to dream again.